The year after Tannah was born was the hardest year of my life.
PTSD from the birth and PND that I refused to let anyone in on. I spent a year treading water with bricks on my feet. I managed to fool everyone into thinking that I was OK. Only I knew about the sobbing every day in the shower and the car. I never told anyone that I would spend the entire day curled around my precious babe, watching the clock and counting the minutes until Luke would get home. I found it hard to eat, to sleep and to function.
It became my mission to look like I was coping. I put all the energy that wasn’t going into Tannah (who I loved so much, and I’m grateful I felt that) into the impression that all was OK.
But I thought that I was going to die.
I never wanted to hurt myself or my baby but I was sure that one night I was going to lie down to sleep ad I would never wake up. I truly thought I wouldn’t make the year out alive.
At Tannah’s first birthday party I had written a beautiful speech that was heartfelt and true. But I couldn’t read it all as the tears took over. Everyone was touched that I was so overcome with emotion for my child.
But the truth was I was sobbing with relief. I made it to a year. I didn’t die.
It took time but I managed to pull myself out of the all consuming black hole and little by little I came back.
But the PND itself and all the effort I’d put into coping left me exhausted. My reserves were empty and my adrenals packed it in. I struggled then to get through the day to day with no energy.
I existed on autopilot for a long time. I was grateful when I felt myself return.
Fast forward to now and I can feel myself slipping into adrenal fatigue again.
I have not been depressed but there have been hard times and lots of challenges. Three children and 2 miscarriages in four years. Bankruptcy. Moving interstate and back again. My parent’s health. Harper’s intensity. Luke’s sometimes huge work hours leaving me an almost solo parent a lot of the time. Insomnia.
Somewhere in the last few months I have been able to see my way out of babies and Harper has chilled out and I’m not being woken at night and Luke has been home more and everything seems good and my body has pretty much demanded that I rest. Not as easy as that with the kiddos.
I have been operating like Harry Potter under the invisibility cloak. I’m there and I’m getting stuff done but I’m not REALLY there.
I can feel myself switching to autopilot. Doing all the parenting that needs to be done. Writing lists and ticking stuff off. Emotions are tiring, engaging is hard and I am struggling. I can feel myself withdrawing and I’m worried about where that will lead-last time the numbness took over.
But this time I am aware. I’m taking action. I will not go down without a fight.
Yesterday as I sat in the car, waiting fr Tannah to finish her piano lesson, I looked in the rear view mirror. I saw the sun trying to peek out from behind the clouds. The sun was THERE. It may have been blocked by the clouds but it wasn’t going anywhere or changing. It just kept trying and every so often I got a glimpse of its rays. And I knew that it would be impossible for the clouds to stay in the path of the sun forever.
And I smiled.