Oh I’ve written this self indulgent wank of a post a few times and deleted it. But I’ve decided to press on.
I have always felt that I have never quite fit in anywhere. I get that I’m a bit odd and mostly I’m OK with that.
In fact I quite like who I am and have no desire to change.
By not attaching yourself firmly to a crowd or 100% to an idea or whatever it is that makes you part of something can mean that you feel kind of on the outer. It can mean that when ties become firmer you can be left behind. Not seeking other’s approval can come across as not needing others.
I would describe myself as a confident, self assured person.
But sometimes I feel like a square peg in a sea of round holes and I feel that maybe there are no square holes for a reason.
I’ve worked really hard to shake the shame and self-hatred of my younger years that clung to me for so long.
Now I feel that niggle, that little voice in my head.
The one that says I’m not good enough, I should agree more, that it’s not OK to feel so damn happy with my life.
The one that says conform, be a good girl, be nice, make them like you.
But then I stamp that voice down.
I remind myself that I have people who love me, no question.
And that I deserve it.
That I am forced to grow from experiences that are difficult, and that is a good thing.
That being the odd one out or the one who doesn’t need everyone’s approval doesn’t need to be my problem.
So fuck those that it bothers.
I have better things to do.